Now that we have discussed the three "F's" of courtship we can begin to look at the process. I want to interject with two things here: First, this is something that needs to be talked about and assumed with children from a young age. It would be very hard to start this once dating has been allowed but it's not to say that you couldn't. Since courtship is a model to follow in choosing a marriage partner it is good to say up front that if you can't get married then there is no need to court or date or be anything other than friends with everyone! Therefore, middle school and high school students should be focused on academics and enjoying their short-lived youth! Now is not the time to complicate things with the weight of a task as significant as choosing a mate! Kids should be encouraged to go places in groups with people of the opposite sex and not place their affections on one particular person.
Once high school is over and kids begin to plan for the coming adult years they may begin to think about marriage and what life will look like for them in the near future. At this point they undoubtedly have a good idea of what they do and don't like in the opposite sex and are at a point where they can begin a logical process of choosing some one to court.
1. The fist step would be observation. For some this process may be longer than others depending on whether the two people had prior knowledge of one another beforehand. Observation allows two people to watch each other in a group setting to determine personality traits and initial interest in developing a friendship. Often times observation takes place throughout the adolescent and teen years.
2. The second step would be friendship. This continues to take place in a group setting but finds the two people gravitating more to one another and asking more specific questions to ascertain the details of faith, friendship and family. Meeting family is appropriate here but being alone outside of a group setting is not! Referring to yourselves as friends is appropriate however, asking deep personal questions should be left for official courtship. This allows for both people to guard their hearts while still in the friendship phase. Therefore, if you do not move on to official courtship then emotional attachment is not as significant. Friendship can take place in adolescent and teen years as well. This would ultimately take the place of dating for most teens by still allowing them time with people of the opposite sex but without exclusivity and untimely commitments.
3. The third step is acquisition. This is the most important step prior to engagement as you are deliberately choosing to pursue this relationship for the purpose of marriage. This is not the next step into dating or getting to the know the person. It should be decided that once a young man asks permission that he is stating a clear intention to consider this young lady as his choice for a wife. If you are not ready for this step then either continue on in your friendship or seek godly counsel from your parents or pastor if you are unsure. Do not proceed if there is any question at this point! From here some relationships will enter into courtship phase and still end but all questions and uncertainties should be remedied before moving to official courtship.
4. The fourth step would be official courtship which begins by the young man making known his intentions to his family along with the young ladies’ father and asking permission to "court" his family and most specifically his daughter. (This should not be the first time that you are meeting her family which should take place in the friendship phase!!) Upon permission from both families, you would begin an exclusive relationship moving toward marriage within a year. This is the only time frame I deem necessary because the first two steps can take months or years. The importance of timing official courtship through to marriage, in essence, helps "make no provision for the flesh". With exclusive relationships comes heightened temptation. As families, we want to come alongside our children and encourage them in this area to see it through to the finish line! In this step you are getting to know one another on a more personal level, spending quite a bit of time with each other's families and having brief periods of time alone but not at night and not in private settings (ie; the boys apartment or his car!). Physical boundaries are something that should be discussed, agreed upon based on biblical principles and obeyed! This is primarily the young man's responsibility in not placing his future wife into a compromising circumstance. Just as he will be responsible for covering, providing and protecting her in marriage, he begins to take on some of that role now.
5. Engagement. Step five should follow within about six months of the beginning of courtship. Although on paper six months sounds like a short time we all know that when you are in love, six months can be an eternity! From here, things should progress like most other relationships: A ring, permission from the parents and a proposal would be in order, from there wedding plans and pre-marital counseling should begin. It is important to state that increased physical temptation will come along with engagement so it is good to be diligent about guarding yourselves! **I also have to add in here - often parents are stuck on their children not marrying until they finish college in order to keep young marriages from unnecessary strain. I agree, in an ideal situation, however, extended periods of courtship can lead to increased temptation. As parents it is important that we set our kids up to succeed. Part of this will be making sure that we don’t allow courtship to take place too soon in their lives but sometimes you have to consent for the purpose of setting them up for success. The bottom line: you know your children!
6. Marriage! Yeah! You have made it and have taken all of the God-honoring steps to choose and choose wisely! God’s richest blessings will be upon you as you are prepared from the start with a firm foundation to weather the storms of life together!
I hope you enjoyed this and maybe it might give some structure to the obscurity of courtship!
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