“If someone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates her sister, she is a liar; for the one who does not love her sister whom she has seen, cannot love God whom she has not seen. And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love her sister also.” 1John 4:20-21
In true female style, most of us will begin to read this with another person in mind. We will be thinking about ourselves or our children as the victim of bullying but I implore you to let this blog post read you. What I mean is, let’s be honest with ourselves and be brave enough to tell ourselves the truth! Are you a bully? Are you raising a bully?
When you think of the word “bully” what comes to mind? For most of us we envision a neighborhood kid, usually a boy, that is overgrown in size, walking around with a scowl on his face while constantly punching his fist into his opposite hand looking for a fight. We conjure up visions of physical abuse that leave someone maimed, lying in a corner without milk money. Yes, bullying can be physical however, I want to challenge you to look past the stereotypes. Unfortunately, there is quite a bit more to bullying than meets the eye.
Bullying can be defined as a means of manipulating and controlling someone else through negative reinforcement. If we allow ourselves the liberty to broaden the definition to include emotional and mental abuse then we reveal a whole new category of behaviors that can now be included in the definition.
As we venture into this hot-button topic we will constantly realign ourselves with the truth of scripture. If we claim the name of Christ, we are to remember that we “are not our own, that we were bought with a price, therefore, we are to glorify the Lord with our bodies” (I Cor. 6:19b-20). This isn’t just about glorifying the Lord through our physical bodies but also with the immaterial parts of our bodies like our hearts and our minds. So, what we DO, how we FEEL and how we THINK ought to glorify the Lord!
First, I want to challenge us to realize that girls and grown women can and do bully. We have had our first experience with bullying and it wasn’t like I imagined. It wasn’t a threat or a fight. In fact, it wasn’t physical at all. This situation was born out of jealousy and anger. And although there were no physical threats there was plenty of manipulation in order to gain control. I don’t know if there are any two words that creep into sinful female behavior more than manipulation and control! These words by definition connote wrong thinking and wrong living.
Before you quickly write off this post as being meant for “someone else” let me give a few examples: [the term “girl” and “woman” are used interchangeably]
Have you ever attempted to ostracize or exclude other girls from the “group”?
Have you manipulated the way other people think of another girl by speaking negatively or even telling lies about her?
Have you ignored another girl or given the cold shoulder in an attempt to hurt her feelings?
Finally, have you said or done things toward another girl in an attempt to hurt her or make her look bad?
If we are honest, it would probably be the majority of us who would be able to raise our hands. I will be the first to admit that as a child, as a teenager and even as a grown woman that I have done one or more of these things in order to hurt another woman. Yes, I am ashamed to admit, I have been a bully and... I was WRONG! Praise the Lord for His grace that covers all of my sin. I have had to have some extremely humbling conversations, even embarassing conversations but the Lord is faithful when we do what is right! Oh how I challenge you to do what is right!
And yes, this happens in the church among those who claim the name of Christ! Girls, as James says, “This ought not be so! With [our mouths] we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing” (James 3:9-10) Yet, we lie against the Holy Spirit within us when we attempt to bully other girls in the church from grade school through to the choir. I use the word “church” here not just speaking of your local church but also of the corporate church; all of our sisters in Christ.
Who is your sister in Christ? Any other girl that is a blood-bought, redeemed sinner like yourself! You see, the cross is level ground for everyone. Scripture is clear that not one of us stands innocent before the Lord, there is none righteous, no not ONE. It doesn’t matter what your sister has done or what you have perceived she has done. You have no leg to stand on..not one! Let me make this very, very clear: there is no room for hatred in the body of Christ! If this girl is a classmate, a co-worker, a biological member of your family, a friend (or previous friend), a fellow athlete, a fellow church member or your neighbor across the street; no matter the relationship or what she has done you have no grounds to hate her, mistreat her, ostracize her or turn others against her.
On the contrary, you are to love her. Need proof?
"The one who says she is in the Light and yet hates her sister is in the darkness until now. 10 The one who loves her sister abides in the Light and there is no cause for stumbling in her. 11 But the one who hates her sister is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where she is going because the darkness has blinded her eyes." 1 John 2:9-11
"By this the children of God and the children of the devil are obvious: anyone who does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor the one who does not love her sister. 11 For this is the message which you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another." 1 John 3:10-11
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. 8 The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. 9 By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. 10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. 13 By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit." 1 John 4:7-13
"Whoever believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and whoever loves the Father loves the child born of Him. 2 By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and observe His commandments. 3 For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome. 4 For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith." 1 John 5:1-4
Bullying is ugly but bullying in the body of Christ is downright heinous! The church is for the building up of one another - not the other way around. Ultimately, when you hurt another member of the body of Christ you are hurting yourself! It is time that we call it out for what it is and stop it!
Second, I want to dispel the myth that there is ever a reason to bully. Often times we think that we are justified. Sometimes because of a perceived hurt and other times because of real hurt. The following are some examples of potential reasons we may be driven to bully a sister in Christ:
She “took”: a friend, a boy, a job, a promotion, a spot on the committee, a spot on the athletic team, a position you had worked for, something or maybe someone you wanted
She “hurt”: you, a friend, a child, a family member
She “has”: a bigger house, a nicer car, a boyfriend, a husband, a godly husband, a better-looking husband, more talent, more skill, more money, more opportunities, a better education, a better figure, more friends and overall, more of what you don’t!
This list of course, is not exhaustive, but you get the idea. And don’t get me wrong - I am not attempting to minimize genuine hurt but I am attempting to correct our thinking. The church is becoming increasingly secularized. In short, we are looking more and more like the world rather than like the body of Christ. We are living by what the world says is okay versus what the WORD says. The world says that retaliation for your hurt is natural. The word says, “be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20). The world says that revenge is sweet. The word says, “be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has also forgiven you” (Eph. 4:32). Scripture gives no amount of wiggle room in the matter!
Sisters, we cannot love the Lord and hate each other. It doesn’t matter how old you are! It doesn’t matter how young you are (I’ll talk about that a little later). It doesn’t even matter what YOU think is a legitimate reason. If there was ever one who would have been justified in hatred it would have been the sinless Son of God who was innocently murdered for our sin and yet He cried out in His agony, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34)
Third, I want to talk about our examples and responsibilities as mothers to our daughters in stemming the tide of bullying. If I have said it once, I have thought it a thousand times, “you are the example that your daughter is following!” She is not listening to what you say. She is watching what you do! If you are downing other women in your speech or in your actions she will see it! I am always amazed at how we assume that we can “fool” our children when in reality they are far more perceptive than we give them credit for and from a VERY young age.
Don’t think because you have a preschooler or grade schooler that you can let your guard down. They are sponges! And they will emulate what they see! Do you doubt what I’m saying? Go into a preschool class and watch how little girls interact with one another. It is uncanny that given a few years, some makeup and a pair of high heels how much they can resemble us! The greatest teaching you can give your daughter is to be who you are instructing her to be. Be genuine, love the Lord, admit mistakes and give her grace!
Lastly, are you raising a bully? Could it be that you are enabling your daughter to be a bully? At first glance these are hard words but they beg for an honest answer. Are you allowing her to act out of how she feels toward another girl without any intervention? If so, let me boldly and humbly say, “You are wrong.” Mothers, I am very aware of the protective instinct that God placed in us toward our children. This is a good thing when our children are in dangerous or potentially life threatening situations. BUT! It is not a good thing when we allow them to act upon every whim of emotion that captures their hearts.
Let’s face it, life is hard, hurt is real and no one is exempt from hurt whether perceived or real, but at some point, we have to draw the line. My daughter has come to me with hurts, annoyances and downright anger towards other girls. I have allowed her the opportunity to vent. I have acknowledged her feelings and then I have taken her to scripture. This is what she is accountable to, not me. If she learns at a young age that the instruction that comes from me is sourced directly from scripture then she will know first, I don’t speak out of my own opinions and second, she will know where to look when I am not there to guide her.
Some of these situations I have FELT (and I want to emphasize felt) that she was justified in her hurt, her anger and her annoyance however, I did not allow her to shun, mistreat or act out toward another girl based on her feelings. You see, it is easy for us to say, “Well, she’s young. She is having a hard time. Her hurt is real and she’s just a kid. You can’t expect kids to act like adults.” We let our girls off the hook because we’ve bought into the world’s view instead of the Word’s view. We let them off the hook because of hormones, or age or heartbreak...and then, we choose to turn a blind eye to the bullying that ensues because then again, we are hurt for her!
Moms, this is sin! I cannot sugarcoat it. You are responsible for instructing her in the paths of godliness and doing all that is within your power to make sure it happens. Let me leave you with two sayings that we use in our family. We didn’t come up with them but they are a concise guide to navigating the emotional ups and downs of life.
“You can’t always act how you feel.” Toddlers are a great example of acting how you feel. What does a toddler do when another toddler has something they want? They take it! Then, toddler number one hits toddler number two and lots of crying ensues! Unfortunately, we are sometimes still allowing our children to act like toddlers. If we are honest, sometimes we still act like toddlers! So, what does scripture say? “To the one who KNOWS what is right and does not do it; to her it is sin” (James 4:17) Pretty plain and simple.
“Make the right decision with your head and allow your heart to catch up.” There is a question as to whether or not we “fake” it and act like a “hypocrite” when in our hearts we really don’t like the person. Love is not based on the object being loveable. Love is based on a commandment. Jesus said, “and the second ‘commandment’ is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 22:39) However, I know the God that we serve and I know he would not ask us to do anything that He would not equip us to live out: “We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for GOOD works, which God prepared BEFOREHAND so that we would walk in them.” Eph. 2:10. I can say, based on the truth of scripture that if you do what is right then, the Lord will bless it and move in your heart to seal it.
This is a good and godly thing for us to learn. We can have victory over our feelings and truly learn to love our sisters in Christ when we exercise faith and allow the Spirit of God to work in our hearts. “For whatever is born of God overcomes the world and this is the victory that overcomes the world - our faith!” 1 John 5:4. Girls, “be killing sin or it will be killing you!”
