Now that we have discussed the three "F's" of courtship we can begin to look at the process. I want to interject with two things here: First, this is something that needs to be talked about and assumed with children from a young age. It would be very hard to start this once dating has been allowed but it's not to say that you couldn't. Since courtship is a model to follow in choosing a marriage partner it is good to say up front that if you can't get married then there is no need to court or date or be anything other than friends with everyone! Therefore, middle school and high school students should be focused on academics and enjoying their short-lived youth! Now is not the time to complicate things with the weight of a task as significant as choosing a mate! Kids should be encouraged to go places in groups with people of the opposite sex and not place their affections on one particular person.
Once high school is over and kids begin to plan for the coming adult years they may begin to think about marriage and what life will look like for them in the near future. At this point they undoubtedly have a good idea of what they do and don't like in the opposite sex and are at a point where they can begin a logical process of choosing some one to court.
1. The fist step would be observation. For some this process may be longer than others depending on whether the two people had prior knowledge of one another beforehand. Observation allows two people to watch each other in a group setting to determine personality traits and initial interest in developing a friendship. Often times observation takes place throughout the adolescent and teen years.
2. The second step would be friendship. This continues to take place in a group setting but finds the two people gravitating more to one another and asking more specific questions to ascertain the details of faith, friendship and family. Meeting family is appropriate here but being alone outside of a group setting is not! Referring to yourselves as friends is appropriate however, asking deep personal questions should be left for official courtship. This allows for both people to guard their hearts while still in the friendship phase. Therefore, if you do not move on to official courtship then emotional attachment is not as significant. Friendship can take place in adolescent and teen years as well. This would ultimately take the place of dating for most teens by still allowing them time with people of the opposite sex but without exclusivity and untimely commitments.
3. The third step is acquisition. This is the most important step prior to engagement as you are deliberately choosing to pursue this relationship for the purpose of marriage. This is not the next step into dating or getting to the know the person. It should be decided that once a young man asks permission that he is stating a clear intention to consider this young lady as his choice for a wife. If you are not ready for this step then either continue on in your friendship or seek godly counsel from your parents or pastor if you are unsure. Do not proceed if there is any question at this point! From here some relationships will enter into courtship phase and still end but all questions and uncertainties should be remedied before moving to official courtship.
4. The fourth step would be official courtship which begins by the young man making known his intentions to his family along with the young ladies’ father and asking permission to "court" his family and most specifically his daughter. (This should not be the first time that you are meeting her family which should take place in the friendship phase!!) Upon permission from both families, you would begin an exclusive relationship moving toward marriage within a year. This is the only time frame I deem necessary because the first two steps can take months or years. The importance of timing official courtship through to marriage, in essence, helps "make no provision for the flesh". With exclusive relationships comes heightened temptation. As families, we want to come alongside our children and encourage them in this area to see it through to the finish line! In this step you are getting to know one another on a more personal level, spending quite a bit of time with each other's families and having brief periods of time alone but not at night and not in private settings (ie; the boys apartment or his car!). Physical boundaries are something that should be discussed, agreed upon based on biblical principles and obeyed! This is primarily the young man's responsibility in not placing his future wife into a compromising circumstance. Just as he will be responsible for covering, providing and protecting her in marriage, he begins to take on some of that role now.
5. Engagement. Step five should follow within about six months of the beginning of courtship. Although on paper six months sounds like a short time we all know that when you are in love, six months can be an eternity! From here, things should progress like most other relationships: A ring, permission from the parents and a proposal would be in order, from there wedding plans and pre-marital counseling should begin. It is important to state that increased physical temptation will come along with engagement so it is good to be diligent about guarding yourselves! **I also have to add in here - often parents are stuck on their children not marrying until they finish college in order to keep young marriages from unnecessary strain. I agree, in an ideal situation, however, extended periods of courtship can lead to increased temptation. As parents it is important that we set our kids up to succeed. Part of this will be making sure that we don’t allow courtship to take place too soon in their lives but sometimes you have to consent for the purpose of setting them up for success. The bottom line: you know your children!
6. Marriage! Yeah! You have made it and have taken all of the God-honoring steps to choose and choose wisely! God’s richest blessings will be upon you as you are prepared from the start with a firm foundation to weather the storms of life together!
I hope you enjoyed this and maybe it might give some structure to the obscurity of courtship!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Courtship Part Two
Often times people, kids and adults alike, misconstrue physical feelings as love. Because we are attracted to the person and the person makes us feel good from physical touch we translate all of this positive “feeling” into love. However, this "love" is a very shallow emotion that often times does not endure through the hardships of life. We are teaching our children a very superficial meaning of love. We have taken love that once stood for an unwavering commitment to the Lord and our spouse regardless of feelings or circumstances and traded it in for the crass, dime a dozen, cotton candy and roses of 21st century media. And our divorce rate reflects the shift mainly because we are following our hearts and not our heads! Wow! What a non-romantic I am! Not really, I love romance as much as the next person and what I find more romantic than anything else is an honest to goodness, real life, happy ending! Is there anything sweeter than seeing two people with white hair sharing decades of memories in one smile? We have the rest of our lives for romance but it's best not to cloud the decision of a lifetime with too much goo! Just like a good hairdo, too much goo can mess it up! (I had to throw that in there! A good hair day only runs second to a happy ending!)
So, the soap box leads somewhere, I promise! I am a firm believer that you can determine all you need to know in order to marry someone without every having to date them, kiss them or touch them! Archaic, I know! But, when I sit back and think about all of the things that I admire and respect about Kraig as a husband or all of the reasons why I would choose him again, I typically don’t talk about the physical qualities or the physical attraction. Although I love those things about him our marriage is not built on those things. Also, how many of you would say that sex usually begins with a kiss or a gentle touch? Therein lies the reason for taking physical touch out of the equation - it adds temptation and complications that aren’t necessary! There are many nay sayers on this point. I often have people question, "How then do you determine an initial attraction?" To which I reply, “Has anyone every married someone they weren’t attracted to? Furthermore, isn't attraction first determined by the eyes instead of touch? Hence the saying, "Beauty is in the EYE of the beholder." How many would say that you can determine attraction to someone without having to touch them but through the initial vision of the other person mixed with meaningful conversation or similar interests? The physical attraction is easily attained but finding common ground and like-mindedness proves more difficult although not impossible. All successful relationships have to have common bonds that link two people together. Faith and friendship being the two most important followed closely by family. Which establishes the three “F’s” of courtship.
We start with the most important which is faith. Faith being the first and the cornerstone for every relationship. Each person possessing a personal relationship based on salvation through faith with the Lord Jesus Christ. Both submitting to the Bible as the guide for all things in life including the correct design for marriage and family. Both actively involved in a church that teaches sound doctrine. Pretty simple.
Friendship is the process by which we begin to get to know someone. At an early age, children can begin to distinguish between desirable and undesirable characteristics in their friends. For example, Jack may choose friends that are girls that are interested in sports, are positive and are loyal. These traits can and most often will translate into specific characteristics as a wife. One can assume that she would be active with her children, always looking for the positive in a negative circumstance and be loyal in her relationship with her husband. (I have to interject here that these aren't hard and fast connections but over the years of developing a friendship with someone you can see these traits put to the test over and over.) Without even knowing it, children are beginning to determine what type of person they would look for as a marriage partner.
Lastly, the third "F" is family. Although children are not responsible for the family that they come from they are a product of that family. And although they shouldn't be punished for mistakes they aren't responsible for it is important to take this into consideration ultimately remembering that God is able to make all things new! The importance rests in realizing the type of home that a child is reared in will be significant in how they view life for their own family. "Courting the family" is a must in the process of courtship! Marriage makes two people one flesh and binds two families together. You will be spending a lot of time with your in-laws so you better start now! Getting to know the family will also explain a lot about how a person thinks and acts.
So, the soap box leads somewhere, I promise! I am a firm believer that you can determine all you need to know in order to marry someone without every having to date them, kiss them or touch them! Archaic, I know! But, when I sit back and think about all of the things that I admire and respect about Kraig as a husband or all of the reasons why I would choose him again, I typically don’t talk about the physical qualities or the physical attraction. Although I love those things about him our marriage is not built on those things. Also, how many of you would say that sex usually begins with a kiss or a gentle touch? Therein lies the reason for taking physical touch out of the equation - it adds temptation and complications that aren’t necessary! There are many nay sayers on this point. I often have people question, "How then do you determine an initial attraction?" To which I reply, “Has anyone every married someone they weren’t attracted to? Furthermore, isn't attraction first determined by the eyes instead of touch? Hence the saying, "Beauty is in the EYE of the beholder." How many would say that you can determine attraction to someone without having to touch them but through the initial vision of the other person mixed with meaningful conversation or similar interests? The physical attraction is easily attained but finding common ground and like-mindedness proves more difficult although not impossible. All successful relationships have to have common bonds that link two people together. Faith and friendship being the two most important followed closely by family. Which establishes the three “F’s” of courtship.
We start with the most important which is faith. Faith being the first and the cornerstone for every relationship. Each person possessing a personal relationship based on salvation through faith with the Lord Jesus Christ. Both submitting to the Bible as the guide for all things in life including the correct design for marriage and family. Both actively involved in a church that teaches sound doctrine. Pretty simple.
Friendship is the process by which we begin to get to know someone. At an early age, children can begin to distinguish between desirable and undesirable characteristics in their friends. For example, Jack may choose friends that are girls that are interested in sports, are positive and are loyal. These traits can and most often will translate into specific characteristics as a wife. One can assume that she would be active with her children, always looking for the positive in a negative circumstance and be loyal in her relationship with her husband. (I have to interject here that these aren't hard and fast connections but over the years of developing a friendship with someone you can see these traits put to the test over and over.) Without even knowing it, children are beginning to determine what type of person they would look for as a marriage partner.
Lastly, the third "F" is family. Although children are not responsible for the family that they come from they are a product of that family. And although they shouldn't be punished for mistakes they aren't responsible for it is important to take this into consideration ultimately remembering that God is able to make all things new! The importance rests in realizing the type of home that a child is reared in will be significant in how they view life for their own family. "Courting the family" is a must in the process of courtship! Marriage makes two people one flesh and binds two families together. You will be spending a lot of time with your in-laws so you better start now! Getting to know the family will also explain a lot about how a person thinks and acts.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
The Obscurity of Courtship
I have had many things over the last month that I have wanted to blog about but alas, no time! However, today, I have nothing (not a misprint) to do! It is a beautiful autumn afternoon, my house is in order, kids are quiet and hubby is off somewhere outside "piddling". Let me follow that tangent for a minute....have you ever noticed that men "piddle"? They walk around aimlessly picking up a stick here and there, looking at this or that without any real focus for getting anything accomplished. For the life of me I couldn't do this! It is not in my nature or in the nature of any woman, especially with children, to expend energy for no purpose!! If I'm going to use up my very precious energy I'm going to be doing something efficiently. Just one of the differences between the way God created men and women, which offers a nice sequeway into the topic I wanted to address in this post and if anyone truly reads this, it might be lengthy so be patient!
The topic that has been on my mind over the last few days is one of Courtship. Courtship being a model for guiding young men and women in choosing a spouse. Kraig and I are firm believers that courtship is the biblical way to approach marriage however, there seems to be very little information out there about the steps of courtship and how to go about the actual process. So, I thought I would map out some rules basically for my own benefit and if it happens to benefit someone else then wonderful!!
I guess to begin I should provide some background information on why we came to this conclusion. It is important to note that Kraig and I dated and we did not follow this for ourselves. I think that is one reason why we are looking to something different for our children. Dating took up a lot of wasted time in our teen years and led to some poor choices overall that we look back on now and regret. The fact that we have a successful marriage now is due to God’s grace ALONE! We did everything we could to mess it up! With marriages ending everyday in divorce, in and out of the church, we wanted to settle the issue long before Landon and Lausyn were interested in the opposite sex. We had to ask ourselves, how do we set them up for success in marriage? No doubt, marriage is hard enough when you have a firm foundation much less when you don’t!
We narrowed down our reasons to three: First, dating is never mentioned in the bible. Dating is something that our society has developed to allow two adolescents with adult bodies and adult hormones the ability to feel like adults by being alone on "dates" thereby opening the door for dangerous temptation. Isn't this really unfair to our children? As parents we still bear the responsibility of instructing, guiding and safeguarding our children until they are adults and the definition of adulthood will be different for each child. For some it might be 18, others 20 and still others 22 or older. The fact of the matter is that we never stop being parents to our children even after they begin families of their own - we just parent in different ways. The second reason why we have chosen courtship rests on the high rate of failure for marriage within our society today. Studies confirm that in cultures where arranged marriage and courtship is prevalent that the divorce rate is extremely low and people contend that they are satisfied, even happy within their marriages. Lastly, courtship takes the emphasis off of the physical and emotional aspect of choosing a spouse and places it on the logical process of choosing and choosing well.
To be continued...
The topic that has been on my mind over the last few days is one of Courtship. Courtship being a model for guiding young men and women in choosing a spouse. Kraig and I are firm believers that courtship is the biblical way to approach marriage however, there seems to be very little information out there about the steps of courtship and how to go about the actual process. So, I thought I would map out some rules basically for my own benefit and if it happens to benefit someone else then wonderful!!
I guess to begin I should provide some background information on why we came to this conclusion. It is important to note that Kraig and I dated and we did not follow this for ourselves. I think that is one reason why we are looking to something different for our children. Dating took up a lot of wasted time in our teen years and led to some poor choices overall that we look back on now and regret. The fact that we have a successful marriage now is due to God’s grace ALONE! We did everything we could to mess it up! With marriages ending everyday in divorce, in and out of the church, we wanted to settle the issue long before Landon and Lausyn were interested in the opposite sex. We had to ask ourselves, how do we set them up for success in marriage? No doubt, marriage is hard enough when you have a firm foundation much less when you don’t!
We narrowed down our reasons to three: First, dating is never mentioned in the bible. Dating is something that our society has developed to allow two adolescents with adult bodies and adult hormones the ability to feel like adults by being alone on "dates" thereby opening the door for dangerous temptation. Isn't this really unfair to our children? As parents we still bear the responsibility of instructing, guiding and safeguarding our children until they are adults and the definition of adulthood will be different for each child. For some it might be 18, others 20 and still others 22 or older. The fact of the matter is that we never stop being parents to our children even after they begin families of their own - we just parent in different ways. The second reason why we have chosen courtship rests on the high rate of failure for marriage within our society today. Studies confirm that in cultures where arranged marriage and courtship is prevalent that the divorce rate is extremely low and people contend that they are satisfied, even happy within their marriages. Lastly, courtship takes the emphasis off of the physical and emotional aspect of choosing a spouse and places it on the logical process of choosing and choosing well.
To be continued...
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