Hang in there girls! Only three more days left! I mentioned way back on day one that it doesn’t take much living before we end up getting hurt, offended, betrayed etc; As women, we learn this all to early because we have a propensity towards sensitivity - shocker I know! I have a nine year old daughter and we are already in the throes of learning how to navigate hurt feelings and peaceable living. I have tried to emphasize to her that conflict is, unfortunately, a part of life. It is a sad commentary to a stark reality when we finally realize that we aren’t always going to get along. I am fond of telling her, “Not everyone is going to be your BFF.”
Besides, BFF is not the point. The point is loving your neighbor as yourself – not liking your neighbor as yourself. Let’s face it, we aren’t going to like everyone and everyone isn’t going to like us. We have gotten ourselves hung up on feelings. We are focused on feeling sentimental towards others but this isn’t what loving our neighbor is all about. Loving our neighbor has to do with a deliberate set of choices and actions that are not based on our feelings. Feelings are a nice added bonus but they are not an accurate barometer on which to base our actions. I’ll say it again: You can’t always act how you feel! Can I get an amen?
Because of the brokenness of the world and the brokenness of everyone in it due to sin, we can expect to constantly be involved in a state of reconciliation with someone in our lives all the time; our spouses, our children, our neighbors, parents, siblings, other family members, co-workers, friends, our family in Christ and even people we may not know.
The word reconciliation denotes a change or an exchange; namely, to change from enmity to friendship. The concept of reconciliation is set forth in scripture out of 2 Corinthians 5: 17-21. Please take time to read these verses before you continue.
This passage gives us the basis of our reconciliation, our commission, which is the ministry of reconciliation and the training for our ministry which is the word of reconciliation. THEREFORE, we are ambassadors for Christ, God is appealing through every believer to an unbelieving world to be reconciled to God. Our lives should be lived in such a way that reconciliation is ever present in order that Jesus might be made much of!
An unbelieving world cannot see Christ but it can see believers living in a constant state of forgiveness even in the most severe circumstances. This is what causes people to take notice that something is different. This witnesses that the power of Christ within us is real and capable of transforming us into something other than what we should be! I am constantly proclaiming that “Jesus makes me who I am not!” I am conformed to the world without Jesus. I am bitter, threatened and greedy without Jesus. I am unable to forgive without Jesus.
Let’s spend the rest of today discussing what forgiveness is and isn’t:
1) Forgiveness IS the offend-ED going to the offend-ER.
What is normally our first reaction when someone has offended us? “Well I’m not speaking to her because she said such and such to me!” “I’m not going to her! It’s not my fault! Why should I be the one to go to her?” Now do you see why Jesus started with humility in Matthew 18? In the verses dealing with the offended brother the offended goes to the offender! Forgiveness is primarily the responsibility of the person who was hurt to go to the person who did the hurting. Why? Well, first because Christ left us an example! He came to us as the offended! He died for us as the offenders! The offended gave Himself as a ransom for His offenders!! Secondly, there are times when people have hurt us and they simply have no clue! We may have been overly sensitive or perceived something the wrong way. So, rather than allowing a “root of bitterness” to spring up, scripture commands us to go to them (Heb. 12:15). This makes the offender aware of the offense and gives opportunity for mutual reconciliation.
2)Forgiveness IS NOT a feeling, it is a choice.
We have a hard time in western culture with understanding that we don’t have to like someone in order to forgive them or to love them as our neighbor. We think that if we don’t FEEL sentimental or loving towards someone than we shouldn’t forgive them or can’t love them. Superficial love and lust are closely associated but deep, abiding, persevering love that puts others above self, for the most part, is a deliberate choice. So is forgiveness. Choosing to do right by someone, to pray for them and give a blessing instead of a curse is a choice!
3)Forgiveness IS NOT letting the offender off the hook.
Isn’t this what we really want to know? What happens to that person if we choose to forgive? Does this make what they did okay? Does this mean that it didn’t hurt or wasn’t wrong? Forgiveness is not saying it doesn’t hurt or that you shouldn’t feel that hurt. Forgiveness is not a denial of what happened. That would be deception and God doesn’t want us to deceive or lie to ourselves. The cross happened…and it hurt!
Forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook. The word of God never allows sin to go unpunished. God is a God of justice. It simply puts justice in the hands of the Righteous Judge! “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)
4)Forgiveness IS treating the other person as if the sin never occurred in the first place.
It means never bringing it up to them or anyone else ever again (Prov. 17:9). It means not holding them to a payment for that offense.
5)Forgiveness IS a humble act.
Sometimes we parade forgiveness and make it into a self-righteous act. Again, forgiveness begins with a humble heart. “Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of wrongs” (1 Cor. 13: 4-5).
6)Forgiveness IS done in private.
In Matt. 18:15 we are instructed to go first to our sister privately…no gossip or dragging other people into it. Word to the wise ladies! Before you pick up the phone and start airing all of your grievances, humble yourself, check your heart and go quickly!
7)Forgiveness IS done quickly.
Go quickly so that anger does not fester. Scripture is clear that we are not to let the sun go down on our anger. Make sure you have your own heart in check and pray that the Lord will guide your words. Is your motive to rebuke or restore? Remember, restoration is the goal!
8)Forgiveness IS NOT always restoration of relationship.
What? Didn’t I just say that restoration is the goal? Yes! However, sometimes the other party will not receive us or will even be offended that we would confront them over a wrong. Other times we have a co-dependent relationship with someone that was forged in sinfulness that needs to be severed for the good of everyone involved. Forgiveness does not mean checking your brain at the door. Forgiveness is a pardon not a free pass to continue to repeatedly offended or abuse. There are some people that we need to stay away from because they are toxic. Jesus said whatever offends you or causes you to stumble pluck it out and cast it from you.
Well, we are off to a good start in discovering the basics of forgiveness. Tomorrow we will finish the basics and move on to the blessing of forgiveness. In the meantime I hope you are learning but I also hope you are putting your learning to the test. Knowledge is just knowledge until it is applied…then it becomes wisdom!
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