A wise woman once said wisdom is defined by looking at your past and present then adjusting the decisions that shape your future to get a better result. Foolishness is defined by doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result. Actually, I think that’s the definition of insanity but foolishness and insanity aren’t far apart on the org chart! Too much foolishness can lead to insanity. You know, the truth is, it is just plain smart to take a look at our lives and ask the question, “How’s that working for you?”
There isn’t much else that gets me going like looking out over the landscape of our middle schools, high schools and college campuses and seeing young women simply “acting a fool!” I know it seems more and more that I am giving single women a hard time. In reality, I am grieved. I want so badly for young women to really grasp what they look like and catch a vision for change! I have a quote that becomes more and more real to me every time I read it. I will spare you the entire quote because it is lengthy but the gist is that women set the tone for every part of our world! Even civilizations are upheld by women knowing their role, standing for morality and overall encouraging others to do the right thing. When women lose their bearings, their perspective, their values then the very foundations of a nation are at stake.
So here is my question, “Why are we living our lives as women like men are the only thing we have going?” If you know me at all, you know I am not a man-hater or a feminist. I am happily married to a wonderful man but he isn’t everything to me! He isn’t my stability and he isn’t my happiness. He doesn’t fulfill me and he isn’t my soul mate. (Sounds like a match made in heaven right??) He brings me happiness, at times and he works to provide stability but all of that could be dashed in a second if he lost his job or left me. We still have crisis, we still have illness and debt and devastation. Truthfully, there isn’t anyone or anything on this earth that can provide consistent stability, comfort or happiness.
I am pained that so many of you are looking for something in marriage and a husband that only exists in the movies. I am even more pained that most will not listen to women who are older, wiser and already married. Listen closely when I say, “Marriage will not only be the single most important decision you make in life(aside from Jesus) but it will most likely be the single greatest source of sanctification in your life.” Learning to live and do life with another person, who is sinful just like you will either pull you closer to the Lord or farther apart from one another. I grow closer to Kraig as I grow closer to the Lord. As I grow apart from the Lord, I grow apart from Kraig. My spiritual barometer is in direct correlation to the condition of my marriage. This has been an invaluable lesson and one that was not learned quickly or easily!! That’s free…
So girls, here are a few things I want to say to you in love as a spectator who truly wants the best for the next generation of women AND men AND marriage:
First, get a proper view of biblical womanhood, manhood and marriage. Don’t put the proverbial cart before the horse! Know what you are called to be and what you ARE NOT called to be. Know what your role and responsibilities are and begin to live those out in your life now. I’ve always said, “You have to be the right person to find the right person!” No woman ever needed a man to 1) make her a woman, 2) make her a complete woman or 3) make her a godly woman. If your desire is to be the Proverbs 31 woman then get to it!
Second, please set some standards!! You don’t have to be domineering but you do have to have standards. I have to rest here for a minute because this is uber important!! Why are we content to be the leftovers, the last resort or the rebound? Men treat us this way because we allow it. My Mom once told me, “Honey, you teach a man how to treat you!” Oh goodness, did she hit the nail on the head or what?? No man is going to treat me like gum on his shoe unless I let him! By the way, if he isn’t proud to show you off to his friends, his Mama and the world then it’s time to move on…next! Stop believing that he is feeling “other than” his actions are indicating…if he isn’t pursuing then you aren’t important to him, no matter what he says! His phone isn’t broken, he hasn’t lost your number and his grades aren’t that much of a priority. As my husband always says, “Guys are simple. If they’re interested you’ll know. If they aren’t…you’ll know.” (By the way, I hope reading some of this makes you mad instead of sad! I hope that this will spur you on to change!)
Third, don’t be anxious (Phil. 4:5). Sometimes you have to realize it’s not your time; this is not God’s time for you. Do you trust Him to give you the very best or are you just giving lip service? Listen, when we get anxious then we get impatient and when we get impatient then we get desperate and when we get desperate then we start to make poor choices. If you have your sites on a “ring by spring” so you can graduate in May and marry in June you are likely to be miserable by December.
To sum up: Set your standards high and live them! Don’t compromise, trust the Lord and respect yourself!!
A side note to Moms: As you have always set the tone for how your daughter deals with all other aspects of her life, set the tone for your daughter in her relationships. You have no idea how much weight you really have and how important your guidance is beyond the age of 18! If you get overly involved, overly emotional, start talking marriage and get devastated along with her over every guy she brings home then she will feel pressure from not only her friends but you as well. Don’t be her friend, be her mother. You are wiser than her! Teach her from your wisdom! Show compassion but instill strength in her…set the tone!! Above all, bring her to the cross to find her identify and worth. The cross determines Christ’s love for us..it is immense. So immense that He determined how He would reconcile us to Himself before He even created the world! At the time when God seemed most out of control, He was doing His greatest work. Instruct your daughters that even when it seems that God has lost control, He may be doing His greatest work! Our circumstances do not determine God’s love for us but the cross does! Marriage is a beautiful reflection of this truth and is not to be entered into UNADVISEDLY!! Advise, advise, advise! I am praying for all of you!
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