The Wilderness of Singleness

Okay, I have a confession: I don’t think singleness is a curse…anymore. Yikes! I feel like I should apologize to the Nancy Lee DeMoss’ of the world and to every single woman (or man) that I have ever said, “So, who are you seeing right now?” I confess that I have often felt sorry for people who were without a spouse and would “keep my eyes and ears open” for them in hopes that I might be able to successfully find a match.

Just the terminology is so much like laundry…like we are searching for a lost sock in the midst of a sea of towels, pants and unmentionables! Admittedly, I was happy with my marital status and thought that in order for others to be happy that they must enter into this communal fellowship of wedded bliss, have a few kids and get a mortgage. I would find myself saying things to God like, “Please bring so and so a mate” or “If she only had a husband than this situation wouldn’t be so hard on her.”

The interesting thing is that a lot of singles feel this way themselves; like they are an anathema, a subculture, an anomaly of some sort that never achieve the level of contentment and completeness that married people do. The Lord has strategically placed singles in my life and I often try to avoid subjects pertaining to married life – things like my husband, my kids…my life, really, assuming that this will rub salt in a wound that may or may not even be there!

Then, one day I came across the title of a study called, “Waiting for God’s Best” and I was struck with the pervasive attitude that singleness is a curse. No boy? No man? No ring? No significant other? Poor girl! In the very next thought the Holy Spirit smacked me – yes, smacked me with this question, “What if singleness is God’s best?” Doesn’t scripture say that God gives only good things (James 1:17)? Then why are we to assume that where we are now is not His best, that we must WAIT for Him to be good to us? I don’t buy it!

I write a lot about Israel, especially from the Pentateuch (fancy word for the first 5 books in the Bible – also known as “the books of the Law”…little Bible trivia to start your day!). I am drawn into the lives of people who resemble…people! I may not have been enslaved in a foreign land, wandered in an actual desert or been taken captive by pagan nations but I have experienced all of those things spiritually. And, my reactions were no different from the Israelites. It is a running joke in our house that I would have been a great Israelite! Meaning I would have fit right in!

There are many seasons of my life where I feel like I am in the wilderness and sometimes I am. However, there are seasons where I THINK I am in the wilderness but my perspective is all wrong. The Lord gave clear reasons for the wilderness wanderings. He says in Deuteronomy 8:2, “You shall remember all the way which the Lord your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that he might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.”

So, sometimes the Lord places us in “wilderness” situations in order to humble us and test us, to see the genuineness of our hearts. I submit to you that singleness is not one of those situations! In other words, singleness is not a curse or punishment or trial or even a wilderness. The Israelites were being punished for their disobedience in not trusting the Lord so they spent 40 years wandering aimlessly, waiting anxiously for the whole experience to be over so they could move on to the Promised Land.

Admittedly, there are times when we wander aimlessly in singleness waiting for the whole experience to be over so that we can move on to the Promised Land of marriage. In this, we treat singleness as a wilderness. To make matters worse, the church seems to not know what to do with singleness any more than the world does. We express our attitudes and discomfort by creating “programs” for singles to mingle, meet and hopefully marry.

I confess my guilt in this and my own lack of trust in the providence of God to chose some for marriage and some for singleness. The truth is, if we are meant to be married then there will not be a single plan of the enemy to thwart God’s purpose or His timing. The same is true if we are meant to be single.

So, I want to end by speaking first to the church as a whole, filled with married people. Singles are part of the body of Christ! They are our sisters and brothers and they should be treated as part of the whole. They are not a sub-culture meant to be lumped together for the purpose of finding a mate. They are to be grafted in regardless of what the left ring finger indicates. We have got to stop trying to play God in matchmaking, constantly mentioning the presence of another single within the church congregation and overall keeping a watchful eye on their love life! We wouldn’t do this to any other part of their lives! Let’s not be guilty of perpetuating a complex that shouldn’t even be there to begin with!

Now to singles: I want you to know if you are single that I am not minimizing your feelings. I know that many of you have a deep desire to be married and want nothing more than to be a mother and a wife. I also know that the feeling towards me as a married woman could be less than kind. I don’t write this to pour salt in a wound, point out the obvious or make you feel “less than”.

I was single once too. I wasn’t any happier about being single than some of you are right now however, I wish I had realized that it wasn’t a curse. God was working through those years and I wasted it! Wasted time I could have been serving and growing and basically being obedient but instead I look back at them as years of discontent, disappointment and STUPID decisions. Stupid decisions birthed out of desperation to make any man who came along “the one”; to see myself as valued and worthy only through my relationship status; never living life to its fullest!

Girls please know that we serve a GOOD God! He is good to you right now! He loves you as much as He loves any attached woman out there. Your singleness is not a curse, not a gift, not a cross to bear, not a time to make you into the right person or even a time to wait for God’s best. Your singleness is not who you are. Your relationship with the Lord is not based on your marital status; as if being married is a higher state of sanctification and blessing from the Lord.

Remember, the marriage covenant is temporal and does not bring the kind of contentment that the media, the movies or your girlfriends would have you believe it does. Be content is all things for “godliness with contentment is great gain!” God is using you and loving now as He will for eternity…whether there’s a man or not! But, any man who will come after you…let him!